Now onto chemo pills...

It's one thing to go to the cancer center, have THE NURSES access your port and give you your chemo.  Its a whole new experience to have to order your own chemo pills, have them shipped to your house and be responsible for getting them in to your body...

I literally cried yesterday morning when I had to swallow 5 pills, knowing what they were going to do to me, yet at the same time knowing that if I didn't take them, or if I were to forget to take them, what the consequences would be.  This is my life I am dealing with, and its not easy.

When I met with Dr. Haslem last friday, he decided that my nails falling off, the neuropathy in both my hands and feet, and the excruciating pain in my legs and body were finally too much for me.  He took me off the Taxol and put me on Xeloda, a chemo pill that has to come from a special pharmacy out of Denver.  I get to take 5 pills in the morning and 5 pills at night for 2 weeks then I get one week off, and then I start all over.  I asked him for how long and his answer was "indefinitely".  Of course I was speechless at that point and wanted to just cry (but at that moment I did hold it together).  I know this is suppose to be a good moment, but I think I just kept thinking "what is the rest of my life going to be like now?".

The pharmacist called me monday to figure things out and I found out that my copay is $1000 per month for this Xeloda. Yeah, another speechless moment...  Luckily the manufacturer Genontech has a program going until december 2014 that I qualified for  that will cover all but $135.  Okay a little better, but after that we will have to apply to different foundations and such to get some help, because of course there is no way at this point that we can afford that.

Yes, I will get my hair back:), but I am on zofran now for nausea and will most likely get a bad rash on my hands and feet that will cause peeling, etc.  Also I could get mouth sores and a few other not so comfortable side effects, but they say that after a few months my body should get used to it and I should get my strength back and hopefully it will get a little easier.

At this point I am REALLY praying for that miracle or cure!!!  I have prayed that I will take the pills if Heavenly Father will take away the side effects:)

 I am SOOO tired of the pain and hurting...

Its getting harder to be positive, but I am trying:)  I am just having more down moments and really trying hard to not think about it, which helps immensely.