Stage IV Bone Only-Metastatic Breast Cancer

For the most part, I have really thought that they were able to get all the cancer out of my body.  There have been little TINY thoughts though, running through my mind that maybe there were still little pieces floating around but not sure if they would land somewhere and reak havoc to the other parts of my body.  You always have the thoughts WAY IN THE BACK of your mind (atleast MY mind) wondering what it would be like and how you would react to knowing that it was still there, but I honestly thought if it did happen that it would be a WAYS down the road.  NOT SO...  Here is my latest story:

From January to May I was doing really well.  I was so proud of myself.  I was pushing myself to exercise 2 to 3 times a week and didn't miss a week until my surgery in April ( I have NEVER done that before:)).  Well, after that everything just started going down hill.  I just couldn't seem to pick myself back up.  I was having to push ALOT harder! 

Donovan got baptized the end of June so we had alot of family come in to town.  Well after they all left, I came down with a stomach bug and was in bed for a few days and I think from over doing it.  A couple of days after that my back went in to major spasms, and I have also been having a really hard time breathing (still figuring that one out.) I was really hoping that it would work itself out.  As far as I knew it was just my herniated disks acting up that I had known about since a few months before I got diagnosed in April 2010 (little did I know at the time that I have no sign whatsoever of herniated disks and that the decompression that I did a few years ago, must have done its job).  Well after 2 weeks I couldn't handle it anymore! 

I called my oncologist and asked for some physical therapy.  I did that for a few weeks, but it just seemed to agravate it more.  I finally went in and asked for pain pills and an MRI.  I was due at the end of august for a breast MRI so they just scheduled it at the same time.  Well a week ago last weekend I couldn't get out of bed!  It hurt soooo bad that I called the Dr. on sunday while my family was at church.  I just felt compelled to let him know.  He got me right in the next day.  Unfortunately he had to be in Salt Lake for meetings, so I met with his new PA after the MRI.  I really like him as well, but I felt bad that he had to be the bearer of bad news while the Doc was away.  At that point what we knew for sure was that there was a "suspicious spot on my spine" and with my history I was rushed in for a CT/PET Scan.  That was thursday and then friday I went in to the Dr again. I was actually doing ok until thurs. then I started doing the whole anxiety panic mode even though I was trying really hard to just go numb.  I think I would have been fine if I didn't have to wait the week.  Thats what makes you go crazy!:)

They had scheduled me with the PA, just to get me on the books, but when I got there they told me I was going to see Haslem.  I pretty much had the same feeling as I did the first round, but when they told me that, I knew the news would not be good.  He started by showing us the scan and explaining how it worked.  Then he pointed to a pretty good sized, bright yellow spot on my spine (L4) and said "that is what is causing all your pain as well as that little spot on your right scapula (shoulder)" I responded with "Ok, so what do we do now?"

So he started with the list (all my options and things we needed to do).  First is to get a biopsy on my spine to see if the cancer cells have changed, because that will determine treatment.  There are 3 factors on breast cancer cells estrogen, progesterone and Her2.  Any one of those receptors could change.  That is happening on wed. 

Next are my ovaries.  OBVIOUSLY the tamoxifin that I am taking is not working so we have to try something else.  We are starting with arimidex (and that will eventually stop working so I will be trying most of the anti-hormone meds in my life time, remember I am not going anywhere for a LONG, LONG time:)) BUT the new meds are all for post menopausal women, AND we need to get rid of most of the estrogen in my body.  That means its either get a LUPRON shot every 3 months to keep my ovaries asleep or just take them out and since they told me no more babies, I opted for the ovaries out and all my doctors agree (there is also a link from the breasts to the ovaries and I don't want to deal with ovarian cancer).  That is happening next monday.  Trust me when I say they are rushing everything!!

I also have to heal the damage to my spine, if left untreated it will eventually break my bone, not good!!  So I get to go monthly for a bone medicine injection XGEVA, which he is having to get approval through my insurance. I just keep praying the insurance will keep cooperating:) That will both heal my bone and strengthen my bones, because the arimidex decreases your bone density:(  Yeah, you get one medicine to save your life and then 10 others to counter that one, crazy!!

I get to go back to Gamma West for radiation.  I have an appointment next week with them, but I need my pathology report so he can know for sure what we are dealing with.  Luckily this time it won't be as many treatments, even though that was one of the easy parts of the whole plan last time.  I guess they can really blast it and it will heal the bone and hopefully kill the dang thing or most of it.

Chemo is an option, but down the list a ways.  The good news with that is that it won't be as strong because the goal right now is to "buy QUALITY time".  I wouldn't lose my hair  (even though I was prepared to let my kids have fun shaving it off this time:)) or be half as sick.

The GOOD NEWS is that there are plenty of treatments out there right now AND plenty of treatments coming out here soon that we can work with.  He also mentioned that he has a few young patients like myself with the same diagnosis and they are doing great.  He also told me that this really isn't surprising because of the number of lymphnodes I had that were full of cancer.  Also, its ONLY in the bone and NOT in my lungs or liver or any major organs.  See, there are always POSITIVES!

So...we are all doing good for the most part.  Donovan has been really scared this round, including nightmares, but I just keep reassuring him.  Bailee SEEMS to be handling everything okay, but I am definitely watching her:)  Alysa, I have felt, is feeling something amiss, and trying to understand all that is happening.  Not sure how much she is getting, but she is also now in 2 different kindergartens, so we are all transitioning from summer and just trying to get in to routine. 

Dave is still the same even keel that he always is.  He just takes it as it comes and is still right by my side every step of the way.  He hasn't really wanted to say much this round, and I really don't blame him.  So far I have just told those that are closest to us, but I figured it was going to get out soon enough, and its hard to keep repeating everything, so its easier to just write it all down and then if anyone has questions that's fine too.

Now how am I?  Well, for the most part I have felt at peace.  I have been nervous for all the procedures, shots, surgeries, needles in my spine...:(  I personally feel like I am being tortured, its not fun!!  BUT I know I don't have a choice...  I constantly have a knot in my stomach and I have lost some weight (which I won't complain about :)).   I also am feeling more of really not knowing how long I will be here.  I KNOW I will be here long enough to raise my children, but after that I am not sure.  I know that Heavenly Father's idea of time and my idea of time definitely aren't the same.  I KNOW that there are still a lot of things that Dave and I need to accomplish, but it just makes you more aware of death.  I am more at peace with that than I have been thus far.  I know that whatever happens that ITS OKAY!!!

I have moments (just like last time) where I break down, but most of the time I try to stay numb and not think too hard about the procedures that have to be done.  That's the only way I can handle it.

I really don't think life is going to change too much, but of course we'll just take it one step at a time. We have this all figured out, we have been doing this for 2 years, so we have it down.  If we need help with something just know that I or Dave will ask.  I mainly just need to talk about it and know that I have my support (you know who you are:)) AND don't be surprised if I am blunt about life and death.  Talking about it is healing. I am a realist. Prayers don't hurt either, that's what helps the most!

I know that Heavenly Father has a plan.  This trial is part of that plan and I am grateful to know that there is purpose in this and that I CAN handle cancer (my pain tolerance is definitely working its way up). I know that there is more for me (and those around me) to learn.  I'm not perfect, so I can't leave yet:)  I am just working my way there!  I really just want to make each moment count and prepare myself for the time when I will meet Christ and our Heavenly Parents and tell them what I did here on earth.  I want to feel good about myself and my actions and give a good report.  I want Dave, my children and those around me to remember me for good and I want to experience a few more things here and just enjoy little moments! 

I don't want much, just peace with myself...